I’ve really struggled with this post. It’s been two weeks since I came out to my
parents, and in all honesty I’m not sure how I feel about it. Whereas my bishop was very understanding and
compassionate, my parents were much more…orthodox.
Two days before “the talk” I sent both my parents a link to
this blog post and this blog post and said “please read these articles; I’d
like to discuss them on Sunday when I come over.” I figured it would be better to give them a
heads up about what was going on, partly because I didn’t want to deal with
their knee-jerk reaction and partly
because there was a good chance I’d chicken out if I didn’t.
I had a minor panic attack when I hit “send,” and a major
panic attack when my mom texted me Sunday morning. She said that dad had wondered, she hadn’t,
that they loved me no matter what, and that they would do their best to be
understanding.
During our four-hour conversation they did make sure that I knew
they still love me. As for being
understanding…well, they tried, sort of.
A lot of the things they said were pretty hurtful and
offensive. I know they didn’t intend to
be hurtful and offensive, so I’m trying not to resent them for it, but my stomach
twists every time I think about it.
As far as my mom is concerned the Church is the final
authority on the subject, and it was very painful for her to see that I disagree
with most of their official statements about homosexuality, especially the
interview with Elder Oaks and Elder Wickman.
It was much more difficult with my dad. His general attitude is that since he doesn’t
understand the issue it can’t be understood, and therefore isn’t a real
issue. It took me at least half an hour
of explaining before he finally got the picture that I’m not attracted to women
that way. Even then, he offhandedly
dismissed my spiritual confirmation that a mixed-orientation marriage is not
for me, and told me I should still keep an open mind about that
possibility. Then he told me to find a
lesbian and marry her. Just thinking
about it makes me want to tear my hair out and scream.
Even though I’m not angry
with my parents (out of sheer force of will) I’m frustrated as hell about
the whole experience. Coming to terms
with myself as a gay Mormon was a harrowing experience, and although my perspective
is very unorthodox I feel it is based on personal revelation. As far as they are concerned, however, at
best I’m misinterpreting things, and at worst I’ve been deceived. In a church based on developing personal
relationships with God, why is it so easy to disregard spiritual experiences
that don’t fit the mold?
I decided not to share everything
with them. They think I’m sticking
with celibacy, although I made it clear that I am repulsed by the very
idea. They made it clear that they
wouldn’t approve of me pursuing a same-sex relationship. I sure as hell didn’t mention that I date
guys now.
In the end I’m not sure what to think about the whole
experience. I glad to have it out of the
way, I guess. My mom texts me every
couple days to show that I’m not cut off or anything like that, but the
banality of the conversation is irritating.
We both see the elephant in the room, and ignoring it like this shows
that she thinks it’s something shameful to be avoided. I haven’t heard anything from my dad yet, but
chances were I wouldn’t have heard anything from him anyway.
It will be interesting to see how things work out. Maybe their thoughts on the whole issue will
evolve over time, maybe not. For now I’m
content that they still love me and accept me as their son.