Well, it’s done. I had the dreaded DTR with…let’s call her Lucrezia.
I’ve come out to about five people so far, but each time I pretty much knew that they would take it well. This was the first time I had no idea what the outcome would be.
Ok, to be fair, it wasn’t that bad. She didn’t cry, although I may or may not have. In fact, she was remarkably sensitive and understanding.
The evening started out on the couch as usual. She sat right next to me, leaning against my side. Her left hand lay against my thigh, but I kept my right hand safe in the middle of my lap. I don’t know if she could tell, but my entire body was tense.
I kept hoping an opportune moment would present itself, but we just chatted about work and roommates while my insides gyrated. I was hoping the movie would provide the perfect setup, but apparently whoever wrote Footloose didn’t have this kind of situation in mind.
“So, Lucrezia, there’s something I need to talk to you about.”
Oh, shit. Is this happening? Rewind! Ctrl-Z!
“….Well, uh, um, I’m…*voice cracks like a 14-year-old*… gay.”
“So, we aren’t ever going to be more than friends.”
“I didn’t start coming to terms with this until right around the time we started going out. I really hoped you would prove me wrong, but it doesn’t work that way.”
The expression on her face was killing me. I might as well have told her I ran over her dog. I tried to explain things as best I could, but I just ended up rambling. In the end she told me that we’re still friends, and we can still watch movies sometimes, but I should do what I feel is best for me. She said I should do what makes me happy.
So why don’t I feel happy about it?
Because for the first time in a while I felt broken. For the first time in a while I felt like there was something wrong with me. It was the first time in a while that I wished I could change. I had forgotten how revolting it feels to hate yourself for who you are.
I hate that I had to hurt her. Had there been any other way I would have done it, but I’m tired of being ashamed of this. Before I told her I promised myself I wouldn't apologize for who I am. I did apologize for leading her on, and that things didn't work out the way she wanted, but when it comes to being gay, there is nothing to apologize for.
Yes, it was hard. Yes, I still feel sick about it. It was the right thing to do, though, and now there’s one less thing holding me back from finding happiness in this life.
Now that this is out of the way the next step is to tell my parents. Fuck.