Thursday, January 9, 2014

Things I Hate

I've started writing my thoughts about option two (a celibate life in the church) but I'm having a hard time doing it.  As a biology student most of the writing I've done has been technical, and it turns out I suck at emotional writing.  The topic of celibacy is especially touchy for me, and it might take a while for me to organize my thoughts about it.  In the mean time, here's what I'm feeling right now:

I hate myself for being gay.

I hate myself for wishing I were straight.

I hate God for making me this way.

I hate God for ignoring me when I prayed to be straight.

I hate the church for not making a place for me.

I hate the church for saying “we don’t know” and acting like that’s enough.

I hate that I hate myself.  I hate that I hate God.  I hate that I hate the church.

I hate that I still haven’t found a path I can take where I don’t hate these things.


  1. Hey, I've been there. I understand the hate. I spent many years hating myself, and being so frustrated, so alone, so isolate.

    I think it's ok to have anger. It sure as hell is better than supressing it and pretending it's not there.

    One of the things that helped me overcome a lot of the suckiness was gettting out of isolation. There are groups for just about every shad of gay mormon. Jimmy Hales video really affected me. I loved his attidute, his optimism.

    If you're in utah there are many people around. Good luck man. Just know, I don't hate you. and your path doesn't have to be alone.

  2. Thanks, j4k! Fortunately, I do live in Utah. Unfortunately, I live in the lame part of Utah.