I've started this post over and over again, but somehow I just
can’t manage to put all my thoughts on celibacy together. In short, I don’t like it. I don’t want to be a Mormon monk.
For a while I tried to convince myself I could do it. It’s no different from what the church
expects of single straight members, is it?
Well, no, not really.
In Sacrament Meeting yesterday I hopped off the fence. That doesn't mean I’m going to take my name off the records and move to San Francisco. In fact, I’ll probably
keep going to church for a while. It does
mean, however, that I will date guys and stop feeling bad about it.
Ironically, it was a talk about the Law of Chastity that
convinced me. It’s not that I disagree
with the doctrine on the Law of Chastity; I believe it is divinely inspired,
and in general a good idea. However, as
the speaker mentioned in her talk, the Law of Chastity doesn't exist because sex is dirty and evil; it exists to ensure that sex occurs under the proper
circumstances.
As a gay Mormon, though, there never will be a proper
circumstance for me, at least according to the church. I don’t buy it.
The speaker compared the Law of Chastity to the parable of
the talents. According to her our bodies
are like the talents in the parable; they are given to us with the expectation
that we marry and have kids. Violating
the Law of Chastity is like burying your talent—instead of expanding and
developing it you fail to live up to your divine potential.
I sympathize with the servant who only received one
talent. Just like him, I have been
handed a different set of circumstances in life. I have been blessed with the ability to love
and form relationships with men. I could
deny that part of myself and bury it, but what happens in the end when I’m
called to account for my life?
I buried this part of me for most of my life, and it made me
miserable. I’m done with that. I’m ready to dust off my talent and take it
to the exchangers.
The closing hymn was “Oh My Father,” one of my all-time
favorites. I was struck by the line “for
a wise and glorious purpose Thou hast placed me here on earth.” I don’t know why I’m gay, and I don’t really
care, either. I trust that God has a
wise and glorious purpose for making me this way, and at length, when I've
completed all He sent me forth to do, with his approbation He will let me come
and dwell with Him.
Bravo! Great post. Movin' onwards and upwards, right?! :)
ReplyDeleteGood for you!
ReplyDeleteI'm sitting here smiling for you. It's wonderful when we all find the little "ah ha" moments in our life. Sounds like you have had one of those for yourself.
ReplyDelete