I was hoping that coming to terms with being gay would eliminate girl trouble. Someday, it will be exciting to deal with boy trouble instead of girl trouble. There’s a giant hurdle to jump through first.
I've been dating a girl from work since September. The term “dating” is debatable since nothing is official, but we have gone on one or two dates a week since then. That should be an obvious rainbow flag right there—straight Mormon guys usually don’t go four months without proposing, let alone defining the relationship.
I was hesitant to go out with her in the beginning, since our first date was a week after my first *experience* with a guy. At first I thought she just wanted to be hiking buddies, but she told some of our coworkers that she had a crush on me and the next thing I knew everyone at work was asking me when we were going out again.
In all fairness I have enjoyed spending time with her. It’s nice to have someone to go to restaurants with, and watch movies with. Our personalities click pretty well even though she’s younger than me by a substantial margin. For a while I even hoped that she’d prove me wrong, that I really was capable of forming a normal, healthy relationship with a girl. As things progressed, though, my feelings reached the close friend stage and stopped.
It’s starting to get…complicated. She’s been dropping hints that she wants to define the relationship. The worst was a couple days ago. She invited me over to watch a movie, and sat right next to me on the couch. There was full sidal contact. Then she started rubbing the back of her hand against mine. The next thing I knew our fingers were firmly interdigitated, and her head was leaned against my shoulder.
I felt sick. She was making her attraction to me obvious, and there I was allowing her to think I felt the same way. At that point I was completely, inexcusably, leading her on.
I am not looking forward to the talk. I’m definitely not looking forward to seeing her at work afterward. I’m ashamed to admit that I've thought about making it official as a cover. I've thought about just marring her out of sheer awkwardness.
But then, maybe it won’t be that bad. I mean, how often do you get to say “it’s not you, it’s me,” and really mean it? Maybe we can “still be friends,” since there won’t be any awkward tension, at least not on my end.